this is why we lie awake
by NinthFeather
Summary: Saji panics after a battle, and Tieria talks him down. Written for Gundam 00 Week 2016.
_A/N:For the Gundam 00 week Day 1 prompt, "Gundam Meisters."_

 _There are people who will argue that Saji doesn't count as a Gundam Meister. None of them are me. If you're feeling like a purist, though, Tieria's position is indisputable. The title comes from "This Is Why We Fight" by the Decembrists, which I found via Laora/ durinswizardwheezes's lovely Gundam 00 playlist (you can find it on her Tumblr)._

 _Warnings for spoilers for the second season, a super-brief, implied gross image, and some characters panicking pretty hard if you're sensitive to that thing._

 **this is why we lie awake**

Saji didn't get out of the 00-Raiser. He didn't think he could have. It was kind of small, and he was shaking an awful lot, and he was pretty sure he would end up banging something important against the edge of the hatch if he tried to go through it.

He should've gotten out a few seconds ago. Yeah, that's what a smart person would've done. He wasn't shaking then. He was happy. Triumphant. He'd _enjoyed_ winning against those A-Law _trash_ who were _forcing Louise to fight_ and _trying to hurt his people_ …and, oh gosh, he was gonna be sick.

Nope. He couldn't do that. Lockon had _told him_ , "No throwing up in the cockpit, you don't want to do that,"—wait, how did Lockon know that? Saji didn't think he could imagine Lockon doing anything as embarrassing as throwing up during a battle—maybe he'd had the flu? Yeah, that sounded more like him. He'd probably told everyone he was feeling 'just fine' but he was actually running a fever and—

The hatch opened, from the outside, and Saji could just make out a figure hovering a few feet outside of his unit, though not quite well enough to identify the face.

"Crossroad?"

Tieria. _Crap_.

"H-hi," he managed.

"Ian would like to do some maintenance on the 00-Raiser," Tieria said, moving closer, close enough for Saji to make out his carefully neutral expression. "That includes looking over the controls…which means he needs to go into the cockpit."

Saji didn't reply. He was trying not to panic at the thought of explaining to Tieria why he wasn't already out of the robot. How despicable, the idea of _enjoying_ a _battle_ …Tieria would be as disgusted with him as he was with himself.

"That means that you need to get out," Tieria prompted, sounding almost amused.

"I-I know t-that," Saji said.

"Saji, are you all right?" Tieria asked, making his way into the cockpit, expression concerned. His eyes narrowed. "You're shaking."

"Y-yeah," Saji said. "Uh, I guess I'm just scared because of the battle and everything."

Tieria raised an eyebrow. "You've gone out before, and you've chosen this time to become frightened of battle."

"It's, like, a delayed reaction?"

"That was a question, and not one I am qualified to answer," Tieria said. "I am told that emotional honesty is healthy."

Saji swallowed. "…it wasn't supposed to be _fun,_ " he said quietly. "But it was. Just for a second. Messed up, right?"

Tieria blinked, then shook his head. "Not particularly," he said. "Positive emotions are a normal reaction to success, especially success in a high-risk situation like battle."

"B-but it's war!" Saji protested. "It's wrong and bad—and we're trying to get rid of it completely, right?"

Tieria nodded. "Yes, but in the heat of the moment, it can feel like competition. And when you have to pay attention to dozens of things at once—well, it's best if you do keep in mind that you are doing this only because it is necessary for peace, but I think I speak for both of us when I say that if you were to forget something during battle, I would much rather you forget that than some technical aspect of the operation of your machine that could endanger your life if neglected."

He smiled slightly. "Certain former members of our organization weren't averse to taking some joy in their tasks, particularly when they knew their successes brought them nearer to a day when such tasks would no longer be needed. I don't believe they were wrong to do so, but you are entitled to your own opinion. However—a bit of accidental enjoyment is hardly worth berating yourself over repeatedly."

Saji nodded slowly. That made sense. "O-okay," he said slowly. He was still shaking a bit, but it wasn't as bad, so he made an attempt at getting up.

Well, some of those accidental collisions with the instrumentation panel were gonna bruise later, but he made it out, a few steps behind Tieria.

Once they'd finally emerged into the open area of the hangar, Tieria looked him over.

"You should go back to your quarters and sleep," he said.

Saji nodded gratefully, but before he left, he opened his mouth, and, without really even meaning to, asked, "Have you ever enjoyed it?"

Tieria frowned for a moment, then said, "I have." He grinned, his smile sharp, then added, "I shut down those Team Trinity pilots' mobile suits with Veda and came very near to destroying them. That was…satisfying. If only it hadn't been hacked…"

Saji blinked. Tieria's smiled had never been quite _that_ terrifying before.

Time to go take a nap and hope that expression ( _and the joy from the battle_ ) didn't show up in his nightmares.

 _A/N: Thanks for reading! I'll be posting more things for Gundam 00 week, so keep an eye out!_


End file.
